Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
The stockings were hung by the beds with care,
In hopes that St Nicholas soon would be there.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads.
We poured Santa’s brandy into his cup,
Then finally got round to locking everything up.
We made sure we secured our anti-snap lock,
And tested the door – twas as firm as a rock.
The Patlock was fixed to the patio handles,
Our external lights should deter any vandals.
We checked our windows and fastened the shutters,
Reassured that our measures would beat the bolt cutters.
Our garage even had a padlocked defender,
Which we hoped would deter a repeat offender.
Once we were finished we went up to sleep,
Excited at the thought of the presents we’d reap.
We were all safe and our home was secure,
A Christmas burglary was not ours to endure.
All of a sudden there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash*
(*After releasing the sash jammer, of course).
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of midday to objects below.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer.
With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St Nick.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name!
“Now Dasher! Now, Dancer! Now, Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! On, Cupid! On, on Donner and Blitzen!
To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall!
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!”
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
I drew in my head, and secured the window once more,
And then up on the roof someone suddenly swore.
“Where’s the damn chimney? Where on earth is the stack?
How am I meant to deliver this sack?
I’ll just have to get in some other way,
Rudolph, with me! The rest; look after the sleigh.”
We soon heard a clatter, a bang – what a din!
Somebody yelled “I’m trying to get in!
I can’t snap your lock, your windows are stuck,
I even tried your garage without any luck!”
My wife gave a screech; “It’s Santa, you fool!
Let him in, Let him in! It’s Christmas, it’s Yule!”
I took a minute to come to my senses;
Santa couldn’t get in through our defences!
I rushed down the stairs, calling, “Wait! Don’t go!”
He must be quite cold out there in the snow.
His silhouette in the doorframe gave me no doubt:
I’d only gone and locked St. Nicholas out!
I soon let him in – and what a sight to behold!
His suit was deep red, his belt buckle bright gold.
He looked at me with one eyebrow raised,
“I didn’t know your windows were double glazed.”
I explained that I wanted to keep my family secure,
So I got Evander to send me a full-colour brochure.
I chose a new door and some locks and a light,
Just in case someone tried to get in in the night.
He nodded sagely and went straight to his work,
He filled all the stockings, then turned with a jerk.
He’d noticed the brandy – he took a long drink,
Then wiped his whiskers and gave me a wink.
He went back to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, as he flew off with a grin,
“Evander should invent a way to let Santa’s in!”